Some days I wonder how I function

I got cable and internet at my house yesterday!! I haven't had cable TV since 1999, and I've been without any kind of TV or internet at home for at least 9 months.  I've been doing a lot of Netflix.  So, Hooray! I got cable.  And Hooray, the guy came early and was done early.  I was going to run a work errand and be off to work.  But my car battery, which has been slowly dying, told me otherwise.

Off to Pep Boys I went to get a new battery and, while I was at it, brake lights since the police officer who pulled me over on Thursday gave me a warning and I don't want to tempt fate.  The wait was an hour and a half.  I emailed work and told them I was taking a vacation day since "hour and a half" in mechanic terms usually translates to "three hours."  It was actually two hours.  I got out of there unscathed, then ran the work errand (through West Hollywood traffic no less) and then decided to stop at Target for TWO THINGS.  

 A Million Dollars later, I left Target with a new vacuum (on sale), since (as stated on Twitter) nothing highlights your housekeeping failures like inviting a stranger into your home.  [UPDATE: Highlight of my Target visit was seeing this guy in the elevator.]  The new vacuum is awesome.  It made my fire-engine red carpet look like new.  Never loses suction? You bet it doesn't.  It sucks so well that it sucked up the power cord for the brand new, never used, HD-DVR cable box and shredded it.  

When I break things, I don't half-ass it.

I'm really lucky it didn't start a fire since it was still plugged in and one end of this was sparking.  The vacuum is still running great, btw.  Since I hadn't eaten the sandwich I brought home, I sat down to eat while thinking of what I can do.  I mean, I didn't want to call the cable company and tell them I destroyed the power cord on the first day.  I decided that Best Buy would probably have a replacement cord.  Surely I'm not the first idiot to do this.  But, lo, my friends at Best Buy could not help me.  They suggested...the cable store that I passed on Santa Monica Blvd in West Hollywood earlier. It was roughly 3:30 when the shredding occurred.  By the time I ate and got to Best Buy, 5:00.  I got to WeHo around 5:40 because, you know, the unbearable traffic.  The cable store closed at 5:30.  Then, I suddenly remembered there's a cable store on Cahuenga right by my house.  Stupid, Stupid, Stupid.  I drive by it every day!  I raced over there and they closed at 6:00.  I didn't make it.  

Back home, which still smells like burning rubber, I searched for cable cords online to see if there was an alternative.  There's not, at least not that I could find.  Guess who's going to the cable store after work?  

Today, I woke up with a sinus headache and barely made it to work with all of my clothes on.  I stopped at Starbucks for coffee and an oatmeal.  I left with coffee....my oatmeal is probably still sitting on the counter waiting for me.

The Frau ruins a perfectly good Friday

Just when you thought you'd never hear another Frau story again....

On Saturday, I put my rent into the mailbox for the Frau to collect as usual.  I put it in a regulation size #10 envelope, as usual.

On Tuesday, Gladys Kravitz stopped me on my way out the door in the morning to tell me that Frau doesn't have my phone number (she does) and that she needs to speak with me.  I called her when I got to work and this was the first sentence she said "What's up with your rent?"  Not Hello.  Not, "I checked the mailbox and didn't see your check.  Did you forget?"  No, just a rude, angry "what's up with your rent?"  I explained that I put it in there and it should be there, but she insisted it was not.

"Okay, I'll drop a check in the box when I get home and stop payment on the other one," I explained. Well, before she let me hang up the phone on Tuesday she repeated several times that she checked the mailbox for three days and my check is not in there.  I assured her that I DID put the check in there on Saturday and that maybe someone took it, or it got mixed up with the others, but for whatever reason, I'll happily put a new check in the box.   And that's exactly what I did, with a note telling her to go ahead and destroy the other check if she finds it.

Today--Friday, three days later--she left a voicemail on my cell phone.  "You had the check all the time with you.  Then you gave me another check.  I never lost your check.  I never saw your check.  The other day I picked up the check I told you to put in the box.  You HAD the check. You just shoved it over there because I looked everywhere for a check. There was no check. I don't know what's your story here. You say keep the check. Throw away the check.  I don't know.  You give me two checks except one is dated the first and one is dated the fourth.  You never gave me a check and now you're trying to cover it up. I just want to tell you this is not acceptable."  No, what IS unacceptable is that voicemail.

I have lived in that apartment for 13 years and have NEVER not paid my rent.  I don't complain.  Other than the leaky faucets (not my fault) she hardly hears a peep from me.  You'd think that she would give me the benefit of the doubt.  Especially since the other two times she has accused me of not paying on time, I proved her wrong by walking over to the mailbox, reaching in, and pulling out the check that she swore was not in there.  Now either I'm a powerful sorcerer or she needs longer arms.

And just like that a nice pleasant Friday was ruined.  If only I could afford to move...

What are you trying to tell me, Universe?

I have had brushes with death all weekend long.  The universe is trying to tell me something, but I don't know what.  I feel like someone is out to get me, and God and my guardian angel are working like crazy to stop it. Here's the story:

On Friday, I returned from my walk to Subway (Eat Fresh) and got on the elevator that hates me.   I pushed the 8 button and the elevator began to climb.  Then suddenly--WHOOSH--it dropped a floor.  Let me repeat that--IT DROPPED A FLOOR!!  Luckily, I was only on the second floor and had it hit the ground, I doubt I'd have sustained any major injuries.  However, it is scary as hell to have an elevator just drop all of a sudden.  Trust me on this one. I held my breath until it made it to my floor.

On Saturday, I was judging a spelling bee at one of our schools.  I left the school and went on a yarn hunting mission, as one does.  On the 101 freeway,I was driving along and I thought for a second "brake."  I just lightly tapped my brake, just enough to slow down, when this fast car changed lanes right in front of me with barely any room to spare, so close that I couldn't see his license plate.  I never even saw him coming; he was so fast, easily over 90 to 100 mph.  He had his flashers on, so I wonder if maybe his brakes weren't working.  I don't know but he continued to speed and zig zag through traffic until he was out of sight.  Had I not slowed down, he'd have hit me for sure.

Then, yesterday, I had this morbid thought upon waking.  I thought, "If I died, how would they know who to call?"  I checked my phone and added things like "sister" and "brother" next to their phone numbers.  Then, I walked to Walgreens and Chipotle.  On my way home, I was crossing the street when a monster truck shot out from his stop to make a left turn--right into me.  I saw his grill and nothing else.  He stopped inches from hitting me. Had he skidded at all, I'd have had a face full of metal.   The driver's window was open and I yelled, "What the hell?" but he never even acknowledged it. Not an apology. Not even a glance in my direction, as if I was just something in the road that he had to drive around.  Not to mention that it's illegal to drive into a cross walk when a pedestrian is anywhere within the cross walk.  Sheesh.  I was so startled and flustered that I didn't even call him any of my favorite curse words.  

So, what is the world trying to tell me?  Live life to the fullest?  Clean my apartment because who knows who's going to have to see it?  Always wear clean underwear? I'm treading with caution and hoping for the best.  

totally not cheating even though I copied this directly from an email I sent my sister.  Y'all need to know.