Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Ah, the joys of Halloween

I have two alarm clocks--one that wakes me gently with a pulsing light, and one that has an obnoxious voice that says, "One of us has to get up and it ain't gonna be me." This morning after hitting the snooze on the gentle alarm clock, I was slowly, gradually waking through a series of dream snippets. Look, it's Seth Green asking me to top off his popcorn bucket and add more butter, but the bucket is full of Nacho Cheese Doritos. Oh, and here's Paris and Nicole asking me to help them with a prank. Very funny, girls. Ah, and look, here's a father looking lovingly at his son while he sleeps, early morning light spilling across the bed. The father sits on the edge of the bed and lightly brushes the hair back revealing a cherubic face, and then he PLUNGES A GIANT KNIFE INTO HIS SON'S SKULL!!!!!

Whoa!! What the f...? I'm awake now!

It is once again illegal to possess, use, sell or distribute Silly String in the greater Hollywood area from Midnight today until noon tomorrow.

For those of you who have not visited the other Stitch n Bitch blogs, here is the aforementioned Halloween ski mask that I knitted for our party. I'm very proud of it. Now hand over the Candy Corn and no one gets hurt.


I had an appointment downtown today at one of those huge office buildings. It went very well, but we'll see if something comes of it. After my appointment, I went to the lobby to find a whole carnival food extravaganza. Caramel Apples! Cotton Candy! Nachos! Popcorn! All Freeeee!!! Now I totally want a job in this building. (I chose the cotton candy, in case you didn't guess.)


What do vampires like on their nachos? Halloweeno peppers

What's a horny vampire's favorite song? Fangs for the mammaries.

Oh, I crack myself up sometimes.

Monday, October 30, 2006

This is what I get for sleeping in...

...a $50 parking ticket for parking on my street between 10am and 1pm on Monday, which is street cleaning day. Dang! Like I need that. But I did get a fun book from the errant Spin Goddess, Sachi, which made me laugh out loud. You take the good, you take the bad, you take the rest and there you have the facts of life...Oh, the hours and brain cells I've wasted in front of a television.

I have a meeting with yet another recruiting agency tomorrow. I'm really trying to be positive, but it's getting difficult. I hope I get a check of some sort soon.

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

More consumer product testing

As I have stated before, I'm a sucker for gadgets. Remember the Snoopy Sno Cone machine ? My friend had one, and even though you had to work your ass off for a tiny pile of ice, I thought it was the greatest thing ever invented and was suitably jealous.

Then there was the Hot Dog cooker/ electric chair that my aunt gave us for Christmas one year. I can't find a picture of it online but it looked something like this. The hot dog was skewered on the metal spikes (electrodes) and essentially electrocuted. [ I can't get it to link up, but here's what it looked like--Thanks Roy!--http://www.neighborhoodvalues.com/nv/kitchen/misc/35kc.htm ]

Well my friends, I've become victim of yet another useless but clever gadget. It's
Pasta Express ! You've seen this nifty plastic tube that when filled with boiling water cooks your pasta lickety split. Only it doesn't. It takes just as long, if not longer, to cook pasta this way, and the pasta doesn't really cook after all is said and done. How about Hot Dogs? They advertise that you can use it to cook hot dogs too. No, you can't. After boiling the water and waiting the prerequisite 15 minutes (seriously, they would have been done in half the time on the stove), the hot dogs still needed to be nuked for 30 seconds to make them edible. I haven't tried to steam vegetables. Pasta Express, like all other gadgety kitchen items before it, has failed me.

Tuesday, October 24, 2006


Frau Inconsiderate Beyotch is riding my last nerve. All day today some unsavory looking character had been tinkering around the hot water heaters in the back. Frau was with him so I thought nothing of it. I did some dishes and sat to watch more Baby Daddy Drama on Maury, then decided it was time to shower and go to school. And what do you suppose happened when I turned on the shower? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Neither a drop nor a drip.

Fortunately, I have some baby wipes that I normally use for makeup removal (cheaper than fancy products and just as effective), so I gave myself a "road trip bath". Before I left for school, however, I found Frau IB and asked her why she didn't feel it necessary to warn us about the water being turned off. "Oh, I didn't think anyone was home," she replied. I could feel my father's famous retort ("That's right; you didn't think.") welling up, but I didn't go there.
I simply said, "It doesn't matter whether you think we're home or not. You are required to give us ample warning about the water being turned off. If it's an emergency, then you can at least ring some doorbells. There are only seven units and you've been here all day. Had I known earlier that the water would be turned off, I'd have showered in the morning. This is unacceptable." Then my huff arrived and I left in it.

Rats! For some reason the computer lab at school is very popular today. No doubt they've come to point and laugh at the smelly girl on the end. Anyway, I feel guilty now for taking up a computer for non-school related stuff. Well, not so guilty that I'm getting up soon, but still a little guilty. I mean, people are here to actually do some practice and shit. I still have to check out Craigslist and whatnot, and I pay my tuition just like they do. hmmm...what to do...what to do....maybe just a cursory glance through Craigslist and then I'll leave.

Friday, October 20, 2006

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

What are they thinking?

Dear Capitol Records:
It is not even Halloween!

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

The Jerk who parked behind me last night.

Park up my ass next time!

and he did damage too!

Dent & scratch!

He's pretty dumb, too...

Parked in the wrong district!

...so, I'm callling him out. Veteran indeed.

Landlady found at bottom of stairs. Film at 11:00.

This morning at 8:45am, the landlady called to tell me that the building inspector was coming around today--TODAY--and she has conveniently lost my key for the 15th time. "Could you leave your door open for me?" she asked. Sure, I'm going to leave my door unlocked in the ghetto. I don't care if I am across the street from the police, that's just insane.
And today?? What happened to 24-hour notice? I'm sure he didn't just call her last minute.
So I said to the frau, "Well, I'll be home today, so just ring the bell. My place is a mess, though."
She replied, "Well, you have until 1:00. Clean it up."

And that's what I did. I furiously cleaned my apartment. Now, let me define "mess" for those of you who've never been in my apartment. I'm not saying it looks like a cyclone came through, or that it's in danger of a health code violation, it's just cluttered, and well, messy. And I really needed to vacuum. I have found that it helps to set a timer to 30 minutes and bust a move cleaning one area. In doing that, my kitchen shines like a new dime. My bathroom sparkles and smells outdoor fresh. My bedroom, ah, that's the true work of art. My shoes are lined up by type (sandal, sneaker, dress, etc) and my bed is actually made.
The vacuum didn't want to cooperate, however. My hair got tangled in the brush (the fallen hairs, not the ones actively growing from my head) and burned filling the place with a god-awful smell. I untangled the hair, finished vacuuming, and showered.

I was just finishing up the mascara when the doorbell rang. Frau Pain-in-the-arse came upstairs with the inspector and spent about 2.5 minutes looking around my living room. She pointed out the kitchen, the bathroom and the bedroom, but he didn't go in any of them. He just nodded and said, "Looks good," and left. ARRRGHHH!!! I busted my hump to get this place spotless and that's it!?!?!? So, then Frau PITA said to me, "You need to make me another key."
Why? So you can lose it like the first 15? And I'm not exaggerating, either. Well, maybe a little, but I've made at least 8 keys for her, not including the ones that I'd already had made for family. She's lucky my legs are still hurting so I'm moving slower. Otherwise she'd have been tumbling down the stairs faster than she could say auf weidersehen.

Monday, October 16, 2006

Dear Powers That Be

Dear Powers That Be:
I'm bored. My life doesn't have enough stress, enough agony. My only crises of late have been dropped stitches. What can you do for me?
Silly Me

Dear Silly:
How about we have your oil pressure light start blinking and emitting a piercing alarm when you're four levels deep in a parking garage, on the one day you're wearing a skirt and pumps, and just for kicks, five blocks away from the nearest store that might sell automotive supplies?
Love ya, mean it;

Yep, that's how I spent my day. And word to the wise--check the manual before buying oil because you will inevitably end up with the wrong viscosity grade and have to walk back down to Broadway and 5th to exchange the 10w-30 for the 5w-30, even though you don't know the difference. Let me tell you folks, that hill up 5th to the library is not for the out of shape.

Once the car was okay, I attempted once again to get a computer at the library. This time I actually went on the library site and reserved a computer--good ole Soc 2 on lower level three. I reserved it from 3:00 to 4:00. I waited patiently. However, the hermit crab already using it was not budging. Now, sure, I could have been little miss bossy (who? me??) but it's the library and you have to be quiet. It's hard to muster a fuss when you're whispering. Plus, I'd had it! My poor, fat legs were wobbly from lugging my cookies up and down 5th Street and I decided to just call it a day. I can always get to school early and hop on one of those computers (which is exactly where I am now). And truth be told, the skirt I was wearing was wool and ITCHY!!! Oh My God, I could not wait to get out of it. Whoever heard of not lining a wool skirt? Well, apparently, those purveyors of fine apparel at Wal-mart.

Confidential to my knittas: I'm only up to the mouth of my Halloween mask and already it's giving me nightmares. Yikes!

Friday, October 13, 2006

Hooray for Miss Kendra!

She's responsible for the new look which is either here now or will be coming soon.
I hope you like it.

Library internet sucks

I need to get online at home. Seven floors in this library with free computers on each floor and each and every one is in use. I finally shamed someone into getting off this one. Damn literate homeless people.

Love you all...miss you. I'm going home to knit now.
and eat bon bons. And watch the soaps.

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

It's my last day...(uncontrollable sobbing ensues)

I don't have internet at home, so I'll only be able to blog from school for now, unless of course I spend the next few weeks at an internet cafe applying for jobs and drinking gallons of coffee.
Anywho, be patient with my lack of updates.

Here's a gratuitous puppy picture to make this post less sad. Yeah Puppy!!!

That's Zoe, my sister's dog. Isn't she adorable?

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

One down, many, many more to go

I went to my first of many interviews yesterday. It was a strange experience. I haven't been to an interview since I was hired here ten years ago. I wore dressy shoes and my toes were pinched. Owwweee! I guess I need to find more comfortable shoes if I'm going to be hitting the pavement.

Sorry if my posts are sad and kind of depressing. It's hard to stay upbeat when I'm surrounded by people who have worked here for 30 years. What do you put on a resume when you've had the same job for most of your adult life? They don't know any other kind of work.

To Monkey Gurrrrl and anyone else wanting to catch a bargain, keep your eyes open. Right now the discount is only 10%, but if sales slow down (and they already have) discounts will get deeper. I'd say, "I'll keep you informed," but I may not be here past tomorrow.

Here's a message from a neighbor that made us happy and sad at the same time:

Friday, October 06, 2006

It's official

My company, which has been in Bancruptcy for a few months now, is officially liquidating. I will very soon be out of a job.

But don't cry for me, Argentina. I'll be fine. I just wanted to share this with you because, as I have limited internet access outside of work, I may not be very bloggy for a while, unless my severence package is huge and I decide to buy a computer and get internet at home.

Think good thoughts for me in the job market. And think good thoughts for my co-workers who may not have anything lined up yet.

[Heavy sigh] It's a sad day for us here. It's a sad day for Iconic Record Retailer (name changed to protect me).

Thursday, October 05, 2006

Six Quirks (only six?)

Sachi tagged me to list six of my quirks. Hmmm...here we go.

  1. I'm afraid of the dark. Oh, I soldier on and put on a brave face, but true darkness, the pitch black kind where you can't see your hand in front of your face, leaves me practically catatonic. I have a very active imagination. When I was little, the upstairs of our house was configured that my parents bedroom door and my brother's bedroom door were directly across from each other. My evil older brothers would unscrew the hall light so that it didn't come on when I flipped the switch downstairs. I pleaded with my dad to "walk me upstairs," but he always responded with those haunting words, "Go on! Nothing's going to get you." Oh yeah? My evil brothers hid in the dark doorways, and as I passed by, they'd jump out and grab me, causing me to a) wet my pants; and b) get yelled at by my father for screaming and wetting my pants. Mean boys!!!
  2. I have an unnatural fear of demons. Demons? Seriously? Yes, demons and all their supernatural friends. I know their existence is suspect at best, but still. This fear can be traced back to an accidental viewing of Satan's School for Girls (the 1973 version) when I was young. And did anyone else read Ghost Story? I worked in a theatre back home and we entered and exited through one of the auditoriums. The only light in that auditorium when the place was closed was a single spot light. Sometimes the projectionist forgot to turn on the light and we were expected to walk out in the dark. Sometimes Laurie Ann ran like a bat out of hell out of that theatre screaming in her head.
  3. I am obsessed with pens. I have been on a lifelong quest to find the perfect pen. A fine line, no gloppiness, a smooth glide, fountain pen quality without the fountain pen maintenance--the perfect pen. And so, along the way I have spent far too much money on pens, partly because of this, and partly because...
  4. I have no will power against the Bright, Shiny Objects. And they need not necessarily be bright or shiny...just neato. Gadgets, gizmos, thingamajigs--if they are novel or cute, I'm the consumer they're targeting. I will spend my last dime on something, no matter how useless, based on it's cuteness alone. Which leads to...
  5. I buy eye shadows, lipsticks, and nail polishes aplenty regardless of the fact that I hardly wear any makeup, and my nails are stubby. I also buy hair accoutrements, which is more practical because of the long hair, but hardly use them because I'm lazy and don't feel like doing my hair most days.
  6. When my sister was younger, she had kidney issues and couldn't eat acidic foods, so Mom made her spaghetti without the sauce. Being the little sister, I naturally copied her and had to have my spaghetti without sauce too. And do you know what? I actually prefer it that way. Sure, I enjoy a good marinara or Alfredo, but for the most part, I just want a bit of butter and some salt on my noodles. So, my last quirk is I eat pasta plain.

That's it, folks, your tiny glimpse inside the mind of Laurie Ann.

Cue Chicken Little

This is never a good thing to find on your place of employment.

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Where have I been?

Sleeping. Oh, and winning the Fuckling contest. Oh yeah! You will have to peruse Uccellina's blog to see the entries because I immediately deleted the photos from my computer, being as it's the work computer and all.

But the sleeping...Holy Toledo! I am beginning to think there's something wrong with me. I can understand being sleepy on Saturday, what with being out way past my bedtime to celebrate Miss Kendra's birthday and all. I had a friend over Saturday and, quite frankly, could not stay awake long enough to be a good hostess. My eyes kept doing that rolling-back-in-your-head thing, which I tried to hide by keeping my head down intent on knitting. She left at 4:30 and I promptly crawled into bed and slept until 7:30. I woke up, ate dinner, watched TV and was back in bed by 11:30.

Sunday, I woke and slept off and on until 10:30, before getting up and showering. I gathered laundry, got dressed to go, and well, fell asleep. I tried to get up and get moving many times throughout the day, but my limbs were weak and I was just really, really sleepy. At 4:00, I gave up and put my lounging around clothes on. And again, I was ready to sleep for the night by 11:30.

Yesterday, I took the day off to go take a test for a possible something something, did the now shockingly large pile of laundry, and came home by 1:15--and promptly fell asleep. Woke briefly when a friend called, but then slept soundly until 6:30. Naturally all of that sleep finally caught up to me and I could NOT sleep last night for nothing. Damn.

So what's wrong with me? Mono? Cursed by a fairy godmother? Narcolepsy? Ennui? I don't know. I'm awake and productive today, but it took some effort, folks.