Thursday, November 30, 2006

A Nod To Annika

D-List Blogger

Apparently, I'm an infrequent blogger. Perhaps if I had some stinking internets at home I'd do more. Then you'd all be bored to distraction and would stop reading me. I'm of the "less is more" philosophy. Besides, if I'm on the list, it should be DDD-List.

Not the twins!!!

Pardon this moment of "America's Next Top Model" ranting:

Last week it was Michelle and this week Amanda. What is Miss Getting-heftier-by-the-minute Banks thinking? I know what she's thinking...she's thinking of the old "split the vote" trick. Yep, I saw it on Little House On The Prairie when I was 10, and in several TV shows and movies since. She wants Eugenia to win. So here's how Tyra is thinking--We have Melrose (blonde), CariDee (blonde), and Eugenia (black). Twiggy votes for CariDee. Nigel, still bitter over whatever it was CariDee said to him in the bullfighting photo shoot, will vote for Melrose. Miss Jay will swing however Tyra wants him/her to, so Eugenia is a shoo-in.

Eugenia is admittedly very pretty, but certainly not prettier than any number of models already on the scene. But the twins--ah, the twins were unique in their pencil-thin, stick-figure awkwardness. I loved them both, but I should admit that Michelle was my favorite. Even still, Amanda was sweet and she tried really hard. On last night's show, the girls had to Flamenco dance. From the start she was 8 kinds of awkward, but she tried. She stayed up late and practiced her long, gangly legs off. And in the challenge, the dance instructer complimented her on her improvement. You just wanted to hug her hard, but not too hard because her bones might snap.

Sadly, we're left with Blah, Blech, and Dear God, don't inflict that on the modelling world.
I do have to say that I was happy to see someone acknowledge that Melrose "I'm 23 but I look 40" is an unmitigated ass kisser and that CariDee is a drama queen. Thank God, next week is the finale.

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

I'm mad & blogging via phone.

Stupid phone company! No one showed up so I still don't have an internet connection.
Stupid neighbors and their stupid secured wireless networks.

Ellen Guessed Correctly!

I was down at SC (as the cool kids say it, and incidentally, the delicious Timothy Olyphant's alma mater) for a conference. My organization was bringing the refreshments. This meant my ass was up at 5:00--IN THE MORNING!!!!! As Bart Simpson would say, "They have a 5:00 in the morning now?" It was rough climbing out of my cozy warm bed, but I did it.

I forgot fruit, so I stopped at Ralphs. The fruit trays were expired and the produce gal was pulling them off the shelves. I actually contemplated getting them anyway, but I don't really need to poison anyone while I'm still new on the job.

Then, the crack staff at Starbucks didn't have my four coffee boxes ready to go. Said the girl behind the counter, "Um, it's going to be about 30 minutes?" It's not a question, child. You see, I ordered them to be ready at 7:30 because I needed them to be READY at that time. In actuality, it only took 20 minutes, and I managed to make it to the conference area in plenty of time.

Now I'm sleepy and hungry. Hmmm...what to get for lunch...

Where in the world?

Guess where Laurie is?

Monday, November 27, 2006

How I cried in front of a handsome police officer and now I feel like a fool

I had a goal--go to Target, do laundry, and be home before the stupid Hollywood Christmas Parade started. I had five hours. I had a list. It should have been easy. SHOULD have been...

I needed four things from Target: eye makeup remover, toilet paper, a shower curtain liner, and an electric blanket. Don't laugh! It was cold in my house this weekend and...

(to the tune of "Horse With No Name")
I live in the ghetto in a house with no heat,
it feels good just to warm up your sheets.
In the ghetto, you don't remember a flame
because there ain't no furnace for to give you no flame.

Anyway, I left Target without the shower curtain liner, but with a pretty new lipstick, a heated mattress pad (it was cheaper) and some adorable sheets.

I like the French gnome the best.
Off to do laundry. The manager at the laundromat is super nice and always offers to help me to and from the car with my baskets of clothes. Yesterday, he bought everyone a Snapple. I, in turn, amazed him with my awesome knitting skills as I wielded my double-pointed needles. Then I remembered that I forgot the liner. Arrgh!
Done with laundry, and James and Brian (two obnoxious kids who kept running around calling, "Ma, Ma, Ma...Ma") are still alive. Off to Rite Aid to quickly get a liner and hurry home before the insanity. It was 2:45 and the parade started at 5:00. Who knew they'd start closing streets so soon?
I had to go west for three blocks, then south for three blocks, then east for ten blocks, then north and west again until I found a street without barricades. I finally got to my street and it was packed because of the closures on the east/west streets in our district. Everyone was parked on my street. At this point, I was too warm, frustrated, on the verge of an asthma attack, and I had to pee. The last straw was the parking enforcement car parked in the last viable space on my street. They have a whole parking lot across the street!!!
Cue the handsome parking officer walking to his car like he's going to leave. I got happy! Then he opened the door, took out his radio, and walked back across the street. I got sad. So sad that I started to cry. A lot. And loudly.
He came over and asked if I was okay. I told him, between sobs, that I just wanted to park and I live right there and I have a trunk full of laundry and I can't breathe and I, I...I gave up trying to control my tears. He sweetly patted my shoulder and asked me to smile for him. I tried but I can only imagine how ghastly I looked. Then he told me he would move his car just for me. I thanked him profusely, parked, thanked him again while avoiding eye contact, then hurriedly carted my things inside to die of embarrassment.

Friday, November 24, 2006


For those of your worried about my lack of frequent updates, I now have a laptop and as of November 29th, I should have internets at home. Woo Hoo!!!
I'm so excited I could pee.

Thursday, November 23, 2006

Happy Thanksgiving

Happy Birthday to me!
I ate some turkey.
I watched lots of football,
And now I'm sleepy.

Sunday, November 19, 2006


The color doesn't show up but these are totally purple potatoes.

Monday, November 13, 2006

I'm Hit! I'm Hit!

I didn't get a lot of sleep last night, which happens when you pass out on the couch and are too lazy to get up and get into bed, so I poured myself a big mug of coffee to keep me awake during school tonight. I was driving down Sunset Boulevard, feeling good because of two possible jobs (more later) and I thought, "Gee, I hope that coffee doesn't spill. I'd better move it to the floor." [It's one of those wide-bottom non-spill mugs, and my cup holders suck.] No sooner had I moved it to the floor and straightened up when--BAM--I was hit from behind by girl in a white volvo who was clearly annoyed at me for getting in her way.

We pulled over. I got out to exchange insurance information and she stayed in her car looking at me dumbly. "Well get out and give me your insurance info," I said, okay maybe I shouted, but we were in traffic. Still she sat. I looked at the back of my car expecting to see some serious damage from the jolt I received, and much to my surprise there was nothing there but a tiny bit of white paint. I walked over to the girl, who was about 18, and asked if her front light was broken before she hit me. She nodded. That's when I noticed her fumbling desperately trying to find her insurance and shaking like a leaf. I mean, this girl was shaking so badly she couldn't open the envelope with her insurance card in it. I felt so bad for her. I kept seeing my poor niece sitting there while some angry woman hovered over her with death in her eyes. Call me an old softy. Go ahead. I'll wait.

Since there was no damage to either car, my trunk worked, nothing was leaking, and I was fine, I told her to forget it and we wouldn't report it to our insurance companies. There was really nothing to report anyway.

On a good note, I am taking a part-time position tomorrow and I have an interview for a full-time position on Wednesday. Both companies are non-profit and don't pay as well as I would like, but I cannot watch another episode of Maury's Paternity Test Clinic. I need to get out and earn a living, however meager it may be. Plus I can always keep my eyes open for a better paying position.

OH--and the coffee spilled on the floor of my car...that was the whole point here.

Sunday, November 12, 2006

My head hurts and this place smells

I don't really have anything to say. I just didn't want to leave you all hanging for days without any news from me. I'm alive. My first unemployment check came. I'm so happy. I also bought an iron and tabletop ironing board, which also made me happy. I'm a simple girl with simple needs.

Seriously, this internet cafe smells like a sewer backed up and flooded the place. I needs me a home computer and some DSL--STAT! (What does STAT mean anyway?). I tried the library today. I got up early and hurried down there just so I could beat the rush of homeless literrati to the free computers only to find each and every computer, save the 15-minute-limit ones, had been booked already. EVERY STINKING ONE! Let's see, seven floors, with at least three computers per floor, plus the actual computer room, which has four or five terminals, least 25 computers were already booked. And the 15 minute ones? Well, I guess I'm not as spry as I used to be because I was denied in three departments. So I waited in the Arts department for tubbby iPod boy to finish up, and while my head was turned, the jerk logged back on for a second session. Arrgh! Okay, take it easy. It's just another 15 minutes. After that I'll politely, but firmly, tell him to move his ass. I waited and waited. A line was forming behind me. The librarian told me that if no one showed up for their booked session within 10 minutes, the reserved computers were up for grabs. But what she didn't tell me, before I got out of line and forfeited my place at the 15-minute computer, was that the Art department reserved computers were not working properly and so even though it was 1:15 and no one was there, I couldn't use one. [this is the part where steam blasts out of my ears and my face turns beet red]. So I went downstairs to wait 20 minutes in line to pay for my overdue books, forgot to validate and had to pay $7.50 to get out of the garage, which would only have cost me a dollar had I validated. Total cost of Library visit: $21. Total productivity? 0

So, here I sit at the Stinkernet Cafe drinking bad coffee, catching up on some blog reading, and looking at some job sites. Oh, and looking at the freaks on Sunset Boulevard, of which there are plenty.

I'll talk to you all later.

PS--Now the freakin' Blogger won't publish this post. For the love of all that is sacred and holy, can't I catch a break today???

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

What a girl wants, what a girl needs

How awesome are these?

Close up view:

I picked them up from Annika's Living Room Sale (because she doesn't have a yard).

They are super sharp and will warn possible burglars of the person they're about to burgle.

People unclear on the concept

Not that I condone the practice of using Calvin in such a vile way, but doesn't it defeat the purpose to have the decal of Calvin pissing on Toyota

when you're actually driving a Toyota?


Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Things that make me go " Arrgh!"

When I got home from my appointment downtown, I promptly ditched the dressy duds and called my sister. As I was gabbing away, I heard a gush of water outside my house. It wasn't raining. Huh? Turns out Frau Piss-me-off hired pressure washers to wash the filthy outside of our house. Naturally, she didn't feel the need to inform the tenants and neither did the pressure washers. My bathroom, sunroom, and kitchen windows were open. Fortunately, the sunroom blinds were down and caught most of the water, but in the bathroom, the water sprayed dirty water and muck all over the wall opposite the window, not to mention the stream that ran down from the sill. I hurried to the kitchen, still on the phone with Katie, and slammed the window shut in the face of the pressure washer dude...forgetting that I had no pants on. Pressure washer dude got a good shot of my fat ass as I walked away. Apparently, he liked what he saw because he kept calling to me, but I was too mortified to go back into the kitchen. The results of their washing excursion was a less dirty house and paint chips all over my porch, mailbox, sidewalk and yard.

Today, the team is back. This time they are scraping old paint (what's left, anyway) off the house in order to paint it. They started at 8:00am. They started on the front of the house right outside my bedroom window. Now, there are even more paint chips on my porch and mailbox.

This is mean. I know it's mean. I'm a mean person. That said, I was walking to the corner mailbox yesterday near school when I saw a man hunkered down next to a wheelchair behind a waist-high wall (by the bank, for my school friends). He appeared to be, um, relieving himself. I must have startled him, even though, as detailed in the Rules For Angelenos handbook, I didn't look directly at him. He lost is balance, which must have been precarious at best given his use of a wheelchair, and landed on his butt. That alone is enough to make me titter, but then I realized that he most likely fell in a pile of poop. Those who know me know what I did next.
I know, I should have helped him up, but remember the poop? and the smell? ew.

Okay, so this doesn't make me go "Arrgh," but it's worth mentioning. Guess who works at my school. Go ahead. Guess. Carla! She's the new English teacher, who I knew was named Carla, but never figured it was our Carla. Isn't that funny? It's a small world after all, it's a small world after can thank me later for having that song stuck in your head. I'm off to class now.