What did you do?

How did you spend your Memorial Day weekend?
I....

...lost three pounds.
...rescued my friend Jaclyn from a knitting emergency (p2togtbl should be outlawed).
...smashed my baby toe, which is now giant and purple and hurts like a bitch.
...knit a ton on my sister-in-law project, even though it doesn't look like I did.
...watched some movies that were so bad they were awesome. (Netflix streaming: Bear!)
...ate more pizza than I have all year (there goes the three pounds).
...and generally had a great weekend.

et vous?

Oh, I'd be remiss if I didn't mention that 24 years ago, I spent Memorial Day weekend being the Maid of Honor for my best friend Joann as she wed the love of her life, Bryan. Congratulations you crazy kids! Happy Anniversary.

Crash course in sports; or How We Plan to Win the Trivia Tournament

I jinxed us. I was so amped up on hockey, that I neglected to bone up on the other four major sports. Despite having taken several sports quizzes on Sporcle, I was ill-prepared for the question "at which stadium do the Milwaukee Brewers play." We batted it about among the team (3 lovely ladies) and came up with the wrong answer. Sadly, Criss actually got it right but we voted that one down. I should really start listening to her; this is the second time she was right and I didn't listen.

We did manage to ace the round in which we had to name 9 of the 10 NFL teams whose helmets have some sort of lettering on them. Okay, we missed one, but we did have the right answer to begin with and then second-guessed ourselves. We really have to stop doing that. So, I'm setting out to become a sports expert. It won't be easy. If you have any handy mnemonic devices for remembering sports trivia, send them my way.

Check it (I'm so ready for some Hockey trivia)

I love hockey! I forget how much I love it because I don't have cable and the networks really only show hockey games during Stanley Cup Playoffs. I think hockey players are some of the best athletes around. They are on the move constantly for three periods--on skates!--with sticks chasing a tiny puck. Yes, a football field is larger, but those guys take an hour to get 50 yards down the field. Sure, basketball players are on the move constantly, but they're 8 feet tall, so it's pretty much three steps from one basket to the next.* So, yeah, moving the whole time, on skates, backwards at times, with sticks, and all that equipment, getting smashed into the glass, and occasionally duking it out--on skates! I love hockey!

So, I've watched quite a bit of hockey lately. None of my favorite teams (yes, more than one; no, not the Kings) have made it to this last stretch before the finals, so I'm hoping for a Bruins/ Canucks match-up for the cup, with the Canucks taking it all. I know, not very American of me, but they have the twins! and Roberto Luongo! and they don't have these guys!

Seriously, San Jose. What's the story with those guys? Creepy!

In between watching the games and knitting my sister-in-law's birthday gift, I was looking up stats on the teams playing. Really this started because I noticed gray in the beard of Dwayne Roloson, the goalie for the Tampa Bay Lightning and wondered, "dang, how old is that guy?**" which led to "How old is the oldest player in the NHL right now?***" And so many other stats and tidbits that I'm so hoping there's a hockey question at trivia tonight. Please ask me who's won the Stanley Cup the most. Or who holds the cup right now. Or what's a Gordie Howe Hat Trick. I'm ready.

Go Canucks!!

* Don't hate; I like football and basketball, too.

**He's 41

*** Mark Recchi, 43, Boston Bruins.

Finally, someone recognizes the genius of creative answers

Math has never been my strong point. I need a calculator for even simple addition. If I use paper, I physically have to "carry the one" on paper in order to add it. The only reason I know my multiplication tables is by singing the "Schoolhouse Rock" songs ("Three is a Magic Number" is playing in my head right now).

One day in the third grade, we were taking a test on multiplication. I hadn't studied and clearly hadn't memorized the three song yet, because for the problem 3 x 3 =______ , I answered "Chow chow chow." To be fair, the Purina Cat Chow ad was new back then and I do love me some commercials. Sister Cornelius was less then entertained by my answer and I was the laughing stock of my class, as well as a perpetual joke in the family (chow chow chow is always the go-to answer).

But no more, I say! My friends over at the most awesome website ThinkGeek have this little number for sale!

It's a book that celebrates creatively wrong answers. I have found my tribe. Like this one:

To all of you who have been faced with a daunting exam paper, realized you were screwed, and made the most of it anyway--I salute you! Mrs. Higgins (10th grade, Algebra II)--I take back the apology for the letter I wrote instead of answering the questions on my mid-term. You should have framed it instead. I'm sure it was some of my best work.

Urban Bear Hunters Rule #47

If space is limited, air dry your bear skin on the back of your car.

(I didn't realize it was polar bear season)

Ah, romance

Nothing says "I love you" like carving your names in a tree...

...in the parking lot of a McDonald's and Home Depot.

So this happened...

When I turned the corner onto my street last night, this is what greeted me. That is a branch...a very large branch from one of the very large magnolia trees in front of my house. That is not in front of my house, though, as some He-man dragged it down the street to where the trash cans usually sit. The branch is the length (at least) of the two large pick-up trucks that are usually parked there. Can you see the tree behind the branch? No? That's because that branch is bigger than an actual tree!!

Please to be admiring the gaping wound on the poor old tree. That tree IS right in front of my house. Do you know what I noticed? It blocked a lot of light. Like, A LOT of light. It was kind of bright in my bedroom last night. Also note that this is right above a parking space, which was fortunately unoccupied when the break occurred (according to the runner-up for nosiest neighbor--Smoking Man*).

Other things to notice in this photo:

1. The fool who parked his car UNDER the trees AFTER the bough broke. I guess he's going with the "lightning doesn't strike twice..."theory.
2. There's an apartment for rent. Who wants to live near me at Frau Gardens? The shower doesn't work properly and the roof leaks, but the cast of characters is entertainment at its finest.

*You haven't heard about Smoking Man yet, but you will.

Who knew recycling could be so dangerous?

On Sunday, I needed to get out of the house and enjoy the weather, and I desperately needed clean undies, so I did some laundry and shared a laugh with my sister via telephone. Then, I came home to find the Frau in the driveway. Rats! and me with wet shirts in my car! Quietly as possible, I unloaded my car, aired out the shirts, and grabbed the bag of recycling. I slipped downstairs like a church mouse, put the bag in my trunk, and zipped off unnoticed by Frau and Latina Gladys Kravitz, who were having a heated discussion in the driveway which they no doubt would have dragged me into had I been seen.

At the recycling center, the self-serve machines no longer take plastic bottles, which is pretty funking ridiculous considering how many things come in plastic containers these days. And naturally, the attendant was at lunch. I ran my cans and bottles through the machine and waited for the attendant to return. I was not alone. A crowd was gathering, including the harried mother of three who kind of cut in front of me. I let her slide because she had her hands full with three little ones and four bags of recycling. However, I was not budging for anyone else. I felt a little bad because I had one lousy bag of plastics (I don't buy a lot of bottled beverages) and everyone else had tons, but I figured it would just make my transaction move faster. Right about the time the attendant was returning, and everyone else had waited 20 minutes, a guy comes up and begins unloading his stuff right behind me. I politely told him, "I'm sorry, sir, but all of these people are behind me. The line is back there." To which he replied, "Bitch, you need to relax and mind your own business." If there is one thing I hate, even more than being called Bitch, it's someone telling me to relax when I am not at all worked up in the first place. Because now? NOW, I'm not relaxed. Now, I pretty pissed. However, I didn't want to get into it with him because clearly if he went for the "bitch" first thing, he has a pretty tiny fuse. So, I ignored him and moved forward inch by inch. As I got closer to the front, I noticed a man desperately shoving plastic bottles into the self-serve machine only to have them spit back out at him. I, again politely, because that's how I roll, told him, "Oh, sir, it's not taking plastic bottles. Only glass and aluminum." Then, my buddy from earlier said, "Shit, you just know everything, don't you." I turned on him so fast the guy behind him ducked, and hissed, "I am just trying to be polite and helpful. YOU should try it sometime." It was my turn next, so I got my ticket for $2.40 and left with a cheery "Have a nice day" to my new BFF in line.

Then, I went to Home Depot, where I asked a very attractive young male employee, "Where can I get some caulk?" And he told me with a straight face, which is more than I can say for myself.