Who knew recycling could be so dangerous?

On Sunday, I needed to get out of the house and enjoy the weather, and I desperately needed clean undies, so I did some laundry and shared a laugh with my sister via telephone. Then, I came home to find the Frau in the driveway. Rats! and me with wet shirts in my car! Quietly as possible, I unloaded my car, aired out the shirts, and grabbed the bag of recycling. I slipped downstairs like a church mouse, put the bag in my trunk, and zipped off unnoticed by Frau and Latina Gladys Kravitz, who were having a heated discussion in the driveway which they no doubt would have dragged me into had I been seen.

At the recycling center, the self-serve machines no longer take plastic bottles, which is pretty funking ridiculous considering how many things come in plastic containers these days. And naturally, the attendant was at lunch. I ran my cans and bottles through the machine and waited for the attendant to return. I was not alone. A crowd was gathering, including the harried mother of three who kind of cut in front of me. I let her slide because she had her hands full with three little ones and four bags of recycling. However, I was not budging for anyone else. I felt a little bad because I had one lousy bag of plastics (I don't buy a lot of bottled beverages) and everyone else had tons, but I figured it would just make my transaction move faster. Right about the time the attendant was returning, and everyone else had waited 20 minutes, a guy comes up and begins unloading his stuff right behind me. I politely told him, "I'm sorry, sir, but all of these people are behind me. The line is back there." To which he replied, "Bitch, you need to relax and mind your own business." If there is one thing I hate, even more than being called Bitch, it's someone telling me to relax when I am not at all worked up in the first place. Because now? NOW, I'm not relaxed. Now, I pretty pissed. However, I didn't want to get into it with him because clearly if he went for the "bitch" first thing, he has a pretty tiny fuse. So, I ignored him and moved forward inch by inch. As I got closer to the front, I noticed a man desperately shoving plastic bottles into the self-serve machine only to have them spit back out at him. I, again politely, because that's how I roll, told him, "Oh, sir, it's not taking plastic bottles. Only glass and aluminum." Then, my buddy from earlier said, "Shit, you just know everything, don't you." I turned on him so fast the guy behind him ducked, and hissed, "I am just trying to be polite and helpful. YOU should try it sometime." It was my turn next, so I got my ticket for $2.40 and left with a cheery "Have a nice day" to my new BFF in line.

Then, I went to Home Depot, where I asked a very attractive young male employee, "Where can I get some caulk?" And he told me with a straight face, which is more than I can say for myself.