Ladies Room of Horror

Our new offices occupy half a floor of this building. The other half is law offices. There are no bathrooms in the suites, just one semi-public restroom in the hall for which we all have a key. And, folks, it's FAR from my office. I have done the wiggle-walk more than a few times. Anyway, I am here to tell you, our new neighbors are freaks!

Sometime in the first few weeks after we moved in, I was in the Ladies room along with two women from one of the other offices. One gal, who we'll call Baby Daddy Drama, was going on and on about the trouble she's having with the father of her child, a deadbeat dad who's sleeping around and claiming he's not the father, etc, etc (watch any Maury show for details). I'm all for sharing with your friends, but right there in front of a total stranger? Girl. Now, every time I go to pee, BDD is in there on her cell telling her business to everyone.

Then, a few days ago, A---- came back from the restroom with a quizzical look on her face. She explained that when she walked into the restroom, all three sinks were running full blast. Thinking some kid was playing, she turned them off. A voice from inside a stall cried out, "Please don't turn the sinks off!" A---- compromised by leaving one on. Apparently, the lady has shy bladder/bowel syndrome and doesn't want people to hear her peeing or pooping. Ohhhkayyy. Nice to meet you, PeeShy. By the way, we can still hear you.

Today, A------- came back from the restroom with the same quizzical look on her face. "There are shoes in the stall, but no feet," she said. I asked if she was sure the stall was occupied, and she said, yes, she could hear paper rustling, but there were no feet, just empty shoes. We came up with several scenarios, from sitting Indian-style to standing on the seat and squatting, but couldn't come up with a solid reason why a person would pee in that position. I guess the Invisible Woman works next door.

One day, Boss Lady was in there and someone in the last stall, who was stinking up the place if you know what I mean, was making gagging sounds like she couldn't stand the smell. Lady, it's your shit. If you can't stand the smell, who can? Here's to you, Mrs. Myshitdon'tstink.

Today, I encountered PeeShy for myself. Not only were all three sinks running, but they were on HOT. I turned two off and turned the last one to cold. There was no cry from the stall, so I guess she's used to us now.

It may be just the women, because I haven't heard any stories from the menfolk. Who would have thought that we would be the normal ones?