So, my co-worker, Anne, the one who thinks I have a stalker in my house and should film myself while I sleep, is now convinced that I AM sleep driving and that I should be handcuffed to my bed at night. The following email exchange took place yesterday when I asked if she had anything to add to the payroll newsletter.
Anne: Please let them know that you have been driving while sleep walking and to be aware so that you don't hit their cars!! I would like to add that if anyone has any fluffy handcuffs to bring them in and give them to you!!!
Me: Perhaps not. However, thanks to you, I had a dream last night that I drove here, parked in the garage (all while sleeping) and Criss found me the next day in my car, in my jammies.
Anne: Not because of me!! Because you have a very serious problem and I am POSITIVE that one of our employees will have some fluffy handcuffs!! I wish I did 'cause I would give you mine because you sleep and drive and change stuff in your house. And we need to either set up a camera, have a friend stay over, or get you handcuffs. Maybe you DID drive to the garage and sleep or maybe you are the one that is throwing condoms all over the garage.
Me: I'll bet [name omitted] does.
Anne: Oh yeah she might....If she calls me tonight I will ask her but I haven't seen any at her house...a pole, yes! But no handcuffs and I don't think she is in to that kinky stuff. Maybe I should just go to the warehouse and buy you some.....
Me: I DON'T NEED HANDCUFFS!!!
Anne: YOU DO!!! YOU NEED THEM TO KEEP YOU IN BED!! OR A DOLL!!!! A MAN DOLL
Me: A Mancuff.(c)*
Anne: PERFECT!!! Let's put out an AD
Me: Wanted: sound sleeper with Kung Fu grip to hold me all night long and prevent me from sleep walking. Great body appreciated.
If you know of anyone qualified for the job, let me know.
*I'm totally copyrighting that shit, because it's brilliant. Admit it.