Thursday, August 13, 2009

Some updates

It's not just me. This morning as I was leaving for work, Latina Gladys Kravitz stopped me to ask if I felt the house shake last night and this morning. I told her I didn't notice anything last night, but yes, I did this morning. I told her that I feel it move all the time, so I barely notice anymore. She then told me that she, too, feels the house moving, and her daughter (Jennifer, but you have to say it like zheneefer) looked it up on the government website but there hadn't been any earthquakes. She called her friend who lives in the apartments next door and her friend said, "Oh, you crazy!" I calmed her down and said, "No, you're not crazy. But I don't think it's anything to worry about. I think the house is just old and moves more than a solid brick apartment building." I didn't mention my hellmouth theory, though. She's already losing sleep.

So, my co-worker, Anne, the one who thinks I have a stalker in my house and should film myself while I sleep, is now convinced that I AM sleep driving and that I should be handcuffed to my bed at night. The following email exchange took place yesterday when I asked if she had anything to add to the payroll newsletter.

Anne: Please let them know that you have been driving while sleep walking and to be aware so that you don't hit their cars!! I would like to add that if anyone has any fluffy handcuffs to bring them in and give them to you!!!

Me: Perhaps not. However, thanks to you, I had a dream last night that I drove here, parked in the garage (all while sleeping) and Criss found me the next day in my car, in my jammies.

Anne: Not because of me!! Because you have a very serious problem and I am POSITIVE that one of our employees will have some fluffy handcuffs!! I wish I did 'cause I would give you mine because you sleep and drive and change stuff in your house. And we need to either set up a camera, have a friend stay over, or get you handcuffs. Maybe you DID drive to the garage and sleep or maybe you are the one that is throwing condoms all over the garage.

Me: I'll bet [name omitted] does.

Anne: Oh yeah she might....If she calls me tonight I will ask her but I haven't seen any at her house...a pole, yes! But no handcuffs and I don't think she is in to that kinky stuff. Maybe I should just go to the warehouse and buy you some.....

Me: I DON'T NEED HANDCUFFS!!!

Anne: YOU DO!!! YOU NEED THEM TO KEEP YOU IN BED!! OR A DOLL!!!! A MAN DOLL

Me: A Mancuff.(c)*

Anne: PERFECT!!! Let's put out an AD

Me: Wanted: sound sleeper with Kung Fu grip to hold me all night long and prevent me from sleep walking. Great body appreciated.

If you know of anyone qualified for the job, let me know.

*I'm totally copyrighting that shit, because it's brilliant. Admit it.

3 comments:

woolanthropy said...

Dude...that is brilliant.

You should make the prototype for a blowup man! I know a few gays guys who would love a blow up man with a kung fu grip! lol

Yesterday I saw a CSI:NY where they caught a woman with her hands in the chest of corpse that had been staked. Come to find out she's a somnambulist and innocent. I thought of you immediately.

Ellen Bloom said...

OK, now you're cracking me up!

Love that we are so entertaining!

MonkeyGurrrrrl said...

I think Anne's a little HC fixated. I'm just sayin'.

And also, you calmed down Ms. Kravitz?!?! You must be Mother Friggin Theresa!