Happy Birthday, Katie!

Last year,I told you all the sappy good things I love about my sister. She, while appreciative, told me they were all lies. "What about all the bad things I did to you," she queried. So this year, I will list all the bad things she did to me when we were growing up:

Well, other than the oft-told tale of the time I wore her favorite jeans without asking and she forcibly removed them from my body--in front of the whole neighborhood--I can't think of any bad things. Nope, Katie, you were an angel through and through. At least, that's how I remember it.

I still love you more than words. Happy Birthday Big Sister.

I give far too much thought to ridiculous things

Case in point: Rudolph's Shiny New Year

Rudolph can fly, so:

1. Why is he searching the islands in a rickety old sailboat? With a sail blocking his nose light(the reason he was sent on the mission in the first place)? when he only has three days to find the baby New Year? When he can freakin' fly around and save us all the torture?
2. When Eon takes off with Happy (the baby New Year), why doesn't Rudy get his ass up in the air and FLY AFTER HIM?
3. When Happy falls, why doesn't Rudolph fly up and catch him, thus cutting about 20 minutes of crap from this show?

And more questions:

1. Why is the guy from the year 1023 called Sir Ten Two Three, which when spoken sounds like the time, not the year.
2. What good are a cave man and a knight with his eyes covered when searching a vast collection of islands for one baby?
3. Why doesn't Big Ben the whale ever submerge? and why is the whale so small?
4. Why would a baby run away from laughter, but willingly climb on the hairy neck of a gross buzzard?
5. Why am I still thinking about this????

Charlie Brown Christmas - Performed by the Cast of Scrubs

A little something my nephew turned me on to. Enjoy.

Merry Christmas to All, except spiders

You know how it is when you're so close to finishing a project that you just stay up late to finish rather than put it away? Well, I stayed up to finish the Baby Yoda sweater (see below--yippee), and while I was sewing it together I watched an old Outer Limits episode featuring Eric McCormick from Will & Grace. In the episode, they were attacked by these gross space spiders (not from Mars)which gave me nightmares.


Now, spiders and I have a fairly good relationship. I generally leave them be unless they're invading my space, like the one who decided to climb down the wall next to my leg while I was sitting on the toilet. I stomped him quickly with the hem of my jammies and when I left the bathroom, he looked like this:

When I returned to the bathroom an hour later to take a shower, he looked like this*:

How did he survive a stomping from my big feet? Well, he won't survive the next step in Laurie Ann's Spider Extermination Service. Placing a towel over my nose and mouth, I grabbed a small can of hair spray that came in a gift pack, which I can't use on account of my asthma but I keep around for just such occasions, and sprayed the evil beast 'til he was a sticky mess...and he STILL lived. I finally grabbed some toilet tissue and squished him but good, then flushed him.

There's another one in my bedroom, but he's tiny so I'll let him live...for now.

Yeah, Baby Yoda Sweater!

*truth be told, it was a Daddy Longlegs, but after its miraculous resurrection, it looked like that, I swear.

Good food, strange politics

China has added new restrictions for foreigners wanting to adopt a Chinese baby . First and foremost, no more single-parent adoptions. Couples must have been married for at least two years before applying. Here are some other highlights of the new restrictions--couples must have a Body Mass Index -- a measure of obesity -- of no more than 40 and be aged 30 to 50, with people up to age 55 considered for children with special needs, according to the agencies. There goes my back-up plan for when the biological alarm clock starts ringing so loud I can't ignore it. (I've already turned it off, but you never know)
The rules bar parents who take medication for psychiatric conditions including depression and anxiety or have "severe facial deformity." What?? Severe facial deformity?? Why on earth should that matter? Honestly, with all the baby girls sitting in Chinese orphanages, you wouldn't think they would be so picky. (okay, the psychiatric conditions thing makes sense).

And this has nothing to do with China or adoption, but Monkeygurrrrrl mentioned something about how all the stupid stunts on America's Funniest Videos are performed by boys, so I couldn't resist bringing you the chimney sweep . Ladies and gentlemen, what kind of logic is at play here. You go to your friend's house to return something; he's not home, so, naturally, you climb down the chimney.

Lastly, this headline just hurt me in my girl parts--Woman With Two Wombs Delivers Three Babies . Two wombs??? That's four ovaries and twice as many menstrual cycles, which, frankly, is two too many. Poor thing.

snowman slasher caught

Now, I'm no fan of the tacky Christmas inflatables, but this is going too far.

Rantings and whatnot

Dog or no dog?--After my whirlwind weekend and a party Monday night (to say Goodbye forever to Tower Records), I've been pretty tired. I fall asleep sometime after Jeopardy and wake up in time for the news. But I didn't mean to fall asleep in the middle of "I want a dog for Christmas, Charlie Brown." Did ReRun get to keep Spike or not? Does anyone know? I'm dying here.

Volvo commercial-- You know that Volvo commercial with the father and the little girl? The child is adorable, telling her father some story that involves a small-headed thing with legs who wants to change colors. Well, I just want to know, who dressed that child? A pink print shirt, striped sweater vest, green and white print skirt, dark tights with white polka dots--seriously??
I mean, yes, real children (my nieces) have thrown tantrums to wear what they choose to school, but you'd think in a commercial, someone would choose a somewhat matching outfit.

Baby Bomb-- Did you hear about the woman who put her one-month-old grandson in a plastic bin and sent him through the airport X-ray? The news called it an "Innocent mistake by an inexperienced traveler" and cited a language barrier. Innocent mistakes are trying to carry scissors or a full bottle of shampoo onto the plane, not putting a baby through the x-ray machine. A BABY!! IN THE X-RAY!!! This is my favorite quote from the news article--"We're trying to figure out what changes we can make, short of putting up signs saying, 'Don't put your baby through the X-ray machine.'" I can't believe that no other travelers tried to stop her. Fortunately, the baby was fine. He'll glow in the dark for a bit, but otherwise, he's fine.

Holiday Displays and the people who hate them--Not only do we have the Snowman Slasher (above) but the Trashy Lingerie lady is getting flack from her snooty Hancock Park neighbors over her incredibly bright Holiday display. Can't we all just get along? It's a few (thousand) lights for one month out of the year. Deal with it.

ah, the coffee and cookies is kicking in, I'm less ranty now. But really, if anyone watched that Charlie Brown special, tell me what happened with ReRun.

I sense a theme

There aren't many people for whom I would get up early, but Miss Kendra is definitely one of them. Why did we get up at the crack of dawn (aka 9:00)? To go to breakfast before attending

BAZAAR BIZARRE!!

Thanks to her superior organizational skills, we got our map, and did a browse lap before actually buying stuff. Although, we couldn't pass up the limited book purses


I love the cover. It's purple and green.





I, unfortunately, don't have the name of the crafty folks who made these, but they were irresistible. My book is called "Lands and People--Near and Middle East."
We wandered up and down the aisles until I was on crafty overload. However, I settled on a few delightful purchases. I bought some buttons and a magnet which I can't show you because someone who reads this is getting one for a present. And then I bought these:



Their names are Cha Cha & Lola.
They have two tails and squeak, too! I can't embed the video but check it out here.




And from the same vendor, Devout Dolls(.com), I bought this:

Hmmm...is that a monkey snake?
Nope, it's a scarf...with a tail!
Don't you just love the expression on his face? I will name him Mowgli.




Look for more delightful photos on Miss Kendra's blog. I didn't bring my camera. More handmade craftiness can be found at www.etsy.com .

Sooooo Sleeeppyyy

Perhaps the internet connection at home wasn't such a good idea after all. I logged on to read some blogs, post, play a game, and the next thing I know it's 5:00am.

All the coffee in the world will not keep me awake until quitting time.

I haven't tried the toothpicks yet.

Parking Sucks! The City of LA loves me, though.

I have had my car for almost a year and never had a ticket the whole time...until November. Beginning the first week until now I have paid the City of Los Angeles a total of $235 in parking fines. Merry Christmas! Can I get complimentary tickets to the Policeman's Ball?

So after two tickets in one week (don't say it; I'm embarrassed beyond belief), the last thing I needed was the aggravation of trying to park at The Farmer's Market for Stitch 'N' Bitch. First, some Beyotch in an Audi blocked the way to the left side of the parking lot, because got forbid anyone get out of the lot before her. Then, after I had to drive around the right side, where I already knew there was no parking, I waited in a line of cars just to get to the left side. While waiting, a spot opened up right up front--Woo Hoo--but the jackhole who was vacating the space was also blocking the path to said space. I quickly turned on my blinker.

Then--this is one for the records, really--a guy in the line of traffic just entering the parking lot sent his bimbo trophy wife in her mink coat, because it's so cold in LA, to STAND IN THE EMPTY SPACE so he could park there in five minutes when he finally made it over there. Are you freakin' kidding me??? I was so angry!! I wound down the window and cussed at him like a sailor on shore leave. He'll be smarting from that for days, let me tell you.

I finally parked in my spot on the left side (seriously, what makes a Dodge Ram think it can park in a spot marked "compact"?) and made my way to my knittas. I was still stewing and raging when I got upstairs, only to find this waiting:

Well, not quite this, for this is just a photo I purloined from Annika's blog, but SAM! (that's the adorable child in the photo) I tell ya, there is nothing like a cuddle from a happy baby to immediately change your mood. Sam has a future career in therapy because everyone he touched left with a smile.

A Rant About Ridiculous Parents

I like to think of myself as a relatively patient person. I don't honk at people who don't move right away when the light turns green. I don't make huffy noises when someone whips out their checkbook at the grocery counter, has a coupon for every single item, or has 15 items in the Express Lane. But Toys 'R Us is one place that would make Gandhi cuss like a sailor on shore leave.

Here's what happened: I was sent on a mission for beach toys (don't ask). While wandering through the pre-school toys, I noticed a lovely wooden Thomas The Tank Engine train set on display. A woman and her toddler son (under three years of age) were playing with it. A zombie clerk was answering the woman's questions: "Is it returnable if he doens't like the one I pick out for him?" etc.

Later, after I circled the store ten times looking for anything resembling beach toys, and visited the ladies room where a scary woman chastised me for not noticing there was no toilet paper in the stall when I sat down (she worked there!), I headed to the ONE register that was open. The woman and child from the train set were in front of me, along with her husband. The boy had a train car in each hand. The child was not crying or fussing at all. The mother, putting on her best "I'm so tired and can't you give me a break" face, said to the clerk, "These cars are from your display. He won't put them down. Can I just pay for these two?"

The Clerk: "I'm sorry, ma'am. They aren't individually priced."

Mother: "Oh, but he won't leave the store without them. They are glued to his hands."

Me: (in my head) "He's a child! Take them out of his hands, walk out the door, and he'll forget about them in five minutes."

The Clerk: "Let me ask my manager."

Me: heavy sigh (I had already driven all the way to Santa Monica only to discover that the Toys R Us on 4th and Santa Monica is no longer there, so you'll have to excuse me)

Beleagered Manager: "They are part of a set. You can buy the set"

Mother: "But he won't put these down. Every time I try he screams."

Me: (in my head) "Oh really? Let me try!"

Beleagered Manager: "Let me see what I can do."

[Manager walks off. In the meantime, Father comes up with a hand puppet and begins to entertain the child, who promptly DROPS THE CARS in favor of the puppet. Mother picks up the cars and puts them BACK into his hands.]

At this point, the clerk finished ringing up my purchase and I left the store before I reached over and ripped the train cars out of the child's hands myself.

All was not a total loss, however. I bought this.

It makes oinking sounds while a blue light shines out of its nose.

I shall stop dissing the freeway

Many of you who know me personally have heard me espouse my love of the surface street as a means of getting around Los Angeles. I don't mind a red light, because I'm actually supposed to be stopped, but I hate stopping dead on a stretch of road that is meant to be traveled at 65 miles per hour.

That said, I have recently discovered the Adams Boulevard exit off the 110. The exit brings me to within two blocks of the office, successfully avoiding the insanity of Vermont Avenue. Sure it's like a game of Frogger trying to merge left, only to have to merge right again. And sure the actual exit, what with people trying to get on the 110 at the same time, can be a little tricky. But I seriously shaved off 25 minutes from my commute this morning. I left the house at 7:45 resigned to being late. I arrived at 8:05, so early that only two other employees were here, and they work in data entry. My floor was completely dark. AND, I had time to apply mascara (which I didn't have time for at home) and set up the conference room. Plus, I look like a dedicated worker arriving before everyone else. BROWNIE POINTS!

Yep, I take it back. The freeway can be a good thing---sometimes.

Poopular

HowManyOfMe.com

There are: 725 people with my name in the U.S.A. How many have your name?

(click here to test your name)
725 people in the United States share my name. My last name is ridiculously common (in the top ten) so I thought there would be more. And I didn't use Laurie Ann, just Laurie. Given how many Laurie's are at the West Hollywood Stitch and Bitch alone, I am really surprised.

I am shocked, however, to learn that there are 1742 people sharing my nephew Roy's name. Roy??? According to this site, it is the 135th most common male name in the US.
Roy??? Seriously???? Because I've known exactly three Roys my whole life and I was related to all of them. My own name ranks 354th in popularity for girl's names.
I am happy to report, though, that 99.64% of all the Roys in the US are male. I suppose the rest are unfortunate girls or gender confused.

I take issue with the results, though. I tested its validity by entering a famous name. It listed said famous person in the "famous people with your last name" section, but listed 0 other people with the same name. Wouldn't the famous person with the exact name count at least as one?

Ta Dah!

Last December, as in Christmas 2005, I had the brilliant idea to knit scarves for all of my classmates at school--well, the cool kids anyway. I finished all but two in time for the gift exchange, and truth be told, I crocheted a couple of them. But two remained undone--unstarted even. Poor Kelli and Audra. They were so patient. I had issues. I couldn't find the right red for Kelli and the right lavender for Audra. I finally found the yarns, and finished Kelli's scarf just in time for those chilly LA summers. Nothing says LA like a thick wool blend.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I am happy to report that at 4:30 yesterday afternoon, just hours before our Christmas party, I finished Audra's scarf. (Blocking? You never heard of the "ah, hell, that looks good enough" method?) So, without further ado, I give you--Branching Out!
Pay no attention to the ugly green comforter. Look! You can't even see all the mistakes I made!

And look how happy Audra was to FINALLY receive last year's Christmas present. Pay no attention to the bad cell phone photo. She was blinded by the many flashing cameras already in use and I took pity on her.

Someone has her internet on

And that someone would be me. :) It was waiting on my doorstep (the modem) when I got home from the most hellish. traffic. ever. What possessed me to attempt a trip to Burbank at 5:30pm? I gave up at the exit off the 110 at Stadium Way. But all's well that ends well.

Classic Frau PITA

On Saturday, my always-amusing, usually-annoying landlord (aka Frau PITA), left me an incomprehensible note about having to replace the window in my "bad room." I wasn't sure if she meant my naughty room or if she was channeling a character from a 70's Blaxsploitation film. Fortunately, she showed up on Sunday to clear things up--she meant my bedroom window, which was perfectly fine as far as I was concerned. She said the city inspector recommended changing the windows from the current vertical sliding variety to the more traditional sash (up and down) type windows, to make exit easier in case of a fire. Now, friends, if there's a fire, my ass will squeeze out a window no matter which way it opens, but whatever City dude.

Here's a photo of my bedroom windows before:

Note that they are perfectly servicable windows and the openings are plenty big enough for my ample frame to squeeze out, even though they look small in this photo.

This is what the new windows look like:

Yes, friends, Frau Pinch-a-penny-until-it-begs-for-mercy only replaced ONE window. ONE! On both sides of the house (my neighbor's windows look opposite, so at least they're balanced). And it doesn't look at all like my house rides the short bus to school.

Now, this doesn't really solve the problem of fire exits, because side-to-side or up-and-down, both windows have UNREMOVEABLE SCREENS! I'll have to leave a knife near the windows so I can cut out the screens in case of fire.

And, to make matters worse, the window that didn't get replaced has the screen that someone tried to break into...and it looks like they tried again! It used to be just slightly bent, like someone tried to pry and it didn't work. Now, the screen is bent far from the frame. When are they doing this??? I'm a little scared. (see photo) That gap goes all the way from top to bottom. It used to just bow out a little at that center portion.