Tuesday, February 06, 2007

Equal time to keep the balance

It's all about balance. Good vs. Evil, Light vs. Dark, Dick York vs. Dick Sergeant. So, in keeping with the balance of nature, here's a list of commercials I hate. Also, I may have nothing to say again.

Heartburn, Nausea, Indigestion--Dear Pepto-Bismol: Everyone knows what your product does. No one needs to see people pinching their ass to keep from pooping--especially a very scary Paul Bunyon or giant Amazon woman. I cannot change channels fast enough. And why didn't the ballerina's mention diarrhea? Don't pink ballerina's get the runs?

Talking diseases--Mucus is not cute. Nail infections are not cute. Please stop trying to make them cute.

Tom Tom--Annoying Annoying.

The Grillmaster--El Pollo Loco's suave Latin stud disturbs me for some reason. I think he reminds me of Roberto Lopez, a self-described Latin stud I used to work with.

Head On--No, not the original ones in which they kept repeating the tag line. I'm talking about the new ones in which some fan of the product interrupts the commercial to say how much they hate the commercial but love the product. The woman with the crazy eyes is scary hideous. Lady, brush your hair!! (this is for you, Tower folk) She looks like Marc Arata's sister.

Earthlink couples--Aren't they cute, with all their zipping and yapping? (puke) When the wife with the stopwatch says "Should have bought 60 seconds," I want her husband to reply, "Well maybe if you shut yer yap..."

Country Crock--Speaking of couples that make me vomit, can we ditch this ad campaign? They have been using this headless couple for over ten years. At least they've finally given them a child--who has a head. To think it all started with James Garner and Mariette Hartley.
[I stand corrected. James Garner and Mariette Hartley hawked Polaroid. Thanks to Ellen Bloom, the maven of all things TV, for setting me straight. For the record, I love James Garner...but I still hate the Country Crock ads.]

Lavalife--Sure, hot women are staying home on the weekends making calls and leaving messages to hook up. And what the hell is "coffee dinner"?

Closet World--They have tried in vain to upgrade these commercials, but until they get rid of that stupid ass dancing robot thing I will hate them. Hate, hate, hate.

I'm sure there are more, but I'm sleepy. I invite you to share your most hated commercials.

4 comments:

Sachi said...

I don't know if you watch the
Sci Fi channel. But they have a bumper which is basically an ad... for the Sci Fi channel. There's one in which a real dog becomes a balloon dog... when a guy blows into his ass.

MonkeyGurrrrrl said...

Agreed, on everything. I think the Grillmaster used to be hot, until he cut his hair. Now, feh.

And I'm sure there are a few (THOUSAND) more I could add to your list.

The Roy said...

Sachi - I'm glad you brought that up! I thought it was just me. I thought somehow I'd take a perfectly innocuous thing like some dude puckering up to inflate a dog by blowing into its rectum and turned it into something dirty.

Laurie, I am with you on that new Head On ad 100 percent. The mucus one upsets me because of the logic. Think about it: a grumbling Ralph Kramden archetype made entirely of mucus (but wearing clothes) uses duct tape to affix himself to a chair. First of all, mucus is wet and slimy. Try to tape Jello to your wall and see how it works out. Second of all, he’s freaking mucus! The body’s natural glue! All he needs to do after he sets down his briefcase and hangs is hat is rub himself all over the damn place and get comfy, cause he ain’t goin anywhere.

I don’t watch that much TV, but if I had to pick an ad that pains me, it’d be those “I’m a Mac/I’m a PC” ads. I’ve never had a mac. I’ve never had enough money to justify a mac, or an Ipod, over what I could do just as easily and much cheaper with a PC. But all my life I’ve had to deal with the mac-nerds-cum-hipsters as they’ve asserted their technical and now cultural superiority over me. Thanks, Apple, Inc. I was afraid the derision would end in high school!

Ellen Bloom said...

Those Country Crock commercials have been on the air for at least 25 years! Oy! And that's Jack Riley (who palyed one of Bob Newhart's neurotic patients on his old Chicago show) as the voice of the man. Not sure about the woman's voice.

Jim Garner and Mariette Hartley teamed up on those old Polaroid Camera commercials in the late 70's and early 80's.

Sad to say, TV is my life...like forevah!