The Abridged Guide to Hollywood (without all that annoying "see the stars homes" crap)

I should start a service for business travelers who are only in town for a day or two but want to have the Hollywood experience. I'd cut through all the tourist trappings and show you want you really want to see or what you really should see. I would customize the tour to your personal preferences. Do you want to go to the beach? At said beach, are you interested in swimming? surfers? just watching the girls/boys? Do you want to see the stars (sidewalk and otherwise)? How about freaks? Are you into the freaks? I think it would be a valuable service and having had two relatives visit in as many weeks, I feel uniquely qualified.

As you know, The Roy arrived on Wednesday. Unfortunately, his girlfriend, the lovely Jess, caught a bug while they were deep behind the Orange Curtain and was too sick to do anything for the first two days of their visit. Thank goodness her sickness abated in time for us to have fun last night and today. So, last night (as you know because I know you read yesterday's scintillating chapter) the kids met me at work to do the one thing Jess requested--see the house used as the Fishers' home in "Six Feet Under." Mission accomplished. They also wanted to see "The Watchmen." While we could have gone to City Walk or Burbank, we went to the Arclight for the full experience, and, as The Roy pointed out, it's stumbling distance from Frau Gardens and we were drinking. You want celebrities? We saw this guy at the Arclight. [psst...he's not as tall as his bio says...just saying.]

Today, we had two missions--Hollywood Blvd and Venice Beach. Oh, wait, actually three--they had a plane to catch at 9:50pm. No problem. We got a bit of a late start, which is no surprise considering the fact that all three of us are Sagittariuses (or are we?). We toured Hollywood Blvd at a brisk pace, took my now-obligatory photo with Mickey,stopped at Grauman's Chinese Theatre for the footprints, saw some awesome but sad interplay between a street preacher and some punk kids (which gave me my new catch phrase--"IMBECILE"), then stopped at some shoe stores to check out boots and the most adorable mary janes. Phew! We headed home for some quick grub.

While home, I saw that time was getting away from us so I came up with a brilliant plan. We would pack their bags and go to Venice, then from there directly to the airport. Laurie Ann--you're a genius. And so we did. Lunch, luggage and Lincoln Blvd later, we were strolling down Ocean Front where The Roy and The Jess (that's her new name) got to see all the usual suspects, including the ubiquitous rollerskating guitar guy. The Jess bought a bracelet and two paintings (2/$20) and we declared Venice Beach complete.

We returned to Jamie, who was still where I parked her despite signs warning of imminent towing, and headed back to Lincoln Blvd for a quick trip down to LAX. I dropped them off, hugged and smooched, and made it home in time for an evening of frivolity with The Slack Mistress and the alternate Will on BetheMarriage.

What can I say--I'm good.